Friday, May 22, 2009

Understanding the opposite sex- the male single

If you met Tonia, and raise the issue of relationship with her; what you will hear her say is that all men are the same- they just cannot be trusted. She had gone through bitter experiences in the intimate relationships she had been involved in, in the past. In her last relationship, she could have sworn that John was different from every other man she had dated in the past. He was such a darling; she could confide in him and enjoy the attention that he showered on her. She loved him dearly.

However, things did not work out in the relationship as she had expected that it would. He had told her early in the relationship that he has a child from his first love, but that there was no string attached between them any more. In the cause of relating with her intimately, he asked for her forgiveness. He said, he loved her but he cannot take the relationship to the next level (marriage), because he was concerned about his son not growing up without his dad around. According to him, his ex has being using the child to blackmail him to come back to her; she had also gone to the extent of using his family against him.

Today, he had gone back to her; Tonia still hurts badly when she remembers all the unkept promises he made to her.

I feel that if a relationship will be successful, both parties should understand the way the opposite sex behaves. It will be heart rendering, if a lady expects her fiancĂ© to think, feel and act like her. Here are some of the things you need to know about the opposite sex- the male single…

Before marriage a man is an emotional giver- Married women find it strange that their hubbies, who were great givers before marriage, seem to be a miser after they tied the knot. Many married women become frustrated in their marriage because their hubbies giving attitude has changed after marriage; they always have one thousand and one things to do with the with the money they have at hand rather than give it to them to do what they felt is necessary at home or for themselves. I have counseled women whose hubby will not lift a hand in the upbringing of their children, yet they were wonderful men before they got married.

It is essential that single ladies understand the opposite sex before going into relationship with them. A man is an emotional giver before marriage, but a practical giver after afterwards. The fact that a man takes you out, buys things for you, do not mean he understands what love entails. That is the way he was designed.

Single women should therefore not give out their hearts to a man who is a great giver except she has checked out the following parameter- the way he relates with people around. Is he a great giver to others? If he is stingy to people around him, he will ultimately treat you the same way.

Men behave like hunters- Men are designed to hunt for the kind of women that appeals to them; if any lady appeals to his senses, he will seek for ways to woo her. If you want to scare away any man, you go chasing him. He will run for his dare life.

One of the attributes of a hunter is, he only appreciates his kill for a time. He always, goes hunting for a more daring kill after the last one. Here is were I need to give a strict warning to single ladies, never allow any man go in between your legs until after he has said ‘I do.’ A man will profess his undying love to a lady; like the emotional movies, he will kneel to say how much she meant to him. He will cherish her as long as he has not killed his prey (had sex with her); then he will demand for the means the lady should show her love for him- that in most cases is for her to have sex with him. He will beg, coax, and even try to manipulate her to getting what he wants. If a lady ever falls for this, she had lost over 51% chance that he will get married to her.

I often ask single ladies, why should a man get married to you when he is getting all that married men get from their wives. Men will often get married to women who have proven themselves impossible to get in the area of sexual intercourse.

The songs of single men is, ‘I will do anything for you’- After relating with married women for some time, I have come to a conclusion that one of the challenges that they have with their hubbies is the unkept promises they (their hubby) made to them especially before marriage. I know a woman who still hurts because her hubby made a promise of enhancing her academically after marriage, which he did not keep.

Single men make lots of promises before marriage; I feel that men are good at doing that. Women should therefore not fall for the sweet promise of heaven on earth marriage that a man will paint to them; they should observe the consistent pattern of behavior of the man. The reason is because, the song of men after marriage is, ‘I will not do anything for you.’

If you are involved in any relationship, never take it to the next level based on promises that he made. Marriage do not change people, it amplifies who they are. Never get involve in a relationship with the expectation that you will change your man. Before marriage he may reform, after marriage, he will return to who he really is.

Men are primarily logical- By design; a man should analyze his actions before he takes step in the direction. He is not meant to be spontaneous in his actions, every of his move is meant to be calculated. If you ever meet a man who acts out primarily out of emotion, he will not make a good partner. Men, who are excessively jealous, loving and explosive in their reaction to negative situations, show a person who is not in control. It shows that something has gone wrong somewhere in his upbringing.

I counseled a male single once; his complain was that the ladies he had loved in the past left him for other men despite the affections he showered on them. I responded by saying that, he deserve what he got. I told him, he was designed to act as a man instead of been sissy. No woman should stay with a man like that.

So you need to know how a man thinks; men do not go for women who they feel are smarter than them. They want to retain the logic power (decision making power) in the home; if a wise woman wants to relate with her man, she will get through to him by making him feel that the wonderful thoughts/idea came from him. Once a man feels like king (the one in control), he will do almost anything for his woman. That includes taking the relationship to the next level- marriage.

Men are competitive by nature- A lady once said to me, ‘Every man wants to marry a virgin, but wants to live with a prostitute.’ Women should understand the psychic of the male man; he loves the feeling of been the number one in everything. Men are built to be competitive and they adore been adored.

Single women should have observed by now that it is only men that ask ‘Are you a virgin?’ I believe the reason is because of his competitive nature of wanting to be the ‘man’ in anything he is involved in. When you understand the man from this angle, care is therefore need on how you deal with him. I counseled a lady who is single; the guy she had been dating decided that it was time to move on. She was deeply hurt that the relationship came to an end and as at when we spoke; she just put it behind her. From our discussion, I discover that her friends are majorly male. So, I told her that I do not blame the guy for leaving; when a man feels threaten, he either fights or just back out. My advice to her is that she should get married to her best friend, who happens to be a male.

If the man you are interested in ask questions relating to your past in relation to the opposite sex, answer the question discreetly. I do not encourage lying, I however, do not encourage stupidity. If you have had sexual experiences in the past, please do not make the mistake of been detailed about it to the man you in relationship with now. If you make the mistake, he may soon be gone.

He is created to rule- The man is created to give leadership to his home; he is meant to rule and take his family in the direction of his purpose. A man was given the job to rule; one way he was design to rule is to make the discovery for the reason he was born and make the choice of partner from that decision.

Women should be careful of defining success from the path of material well being. Most men’s lives will come to an end if they loose their paid job; women should not make the mistake of falling head over for man who is successful because of the job he is doing. Success should be defined from the path of purpose than profession. Isaac Digi said, ‘If you are a young lady, for instance, and you are asking me how to know a man I want to marry, I will say, look, ask the man, what is your vision in life? This is because where ever you are going or whatever your vision is is where you are taking me. I may not want to go there.’ I believe that single women should obey the wisdom of Isaac Digi.

One of the challenges that women have after marriage is that the man who will do practically what they bid him to when they were single, suddenly becomes commander in chief after they tied the knot. She suddenly discovers that he wants to take charge of her life; he gives commands that he wants obeyed without question.

If a lady undermines the authority of the man she is dating, he will likely leave her for another woman who is wise enough to say ‘yes sir.’ On the issue of purpose, I wrote in my book, singles, your spouse is not in church the following, ‘Find out if the man/woman you are interested in is a purpose driven person. Where a conflict exists with yours, my advice is that you should think twice about the relationship that you are in/about to enter into. You will never be fulfilled in your marriage if the two of you are heading in the opposite direction.’

Men are potential heartbreakers- Until the guy that is interested in you says, ‘I do,’ he can leave you. Every single lady should guard their hearts in any relationship they are in; they are permitted to love, but should be careful.

I have come to discover that after the end of a relationship, women tend to hurt more than their male counterpart. It can take months and even years before they get over heartbreaks; I know a lady that it took over 10 years to get over the pain of heartbreak. Women are known to attempt suicide when a relationship comes to an end.

Every woman should learn to have a life they enjoy than live around their man alone; keep your family, friends and close associate despite the level of closeness that you have with your man. Let your world rotate around your passion more than a man; develop yourself and enjoy your own company.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405

Understanding the opposite sex- the female single

Sammy just did not understand why some women are gullible; he has watched Dan who is popularly known as the DON because of the way he had his way with women, had his way with women he expects to be smart. He had heard of his (Dan) exploit long before he even got to know him personally; when he relates with Dan, he talks so proudly about his exploit with the opposite sex and how it is impossible for any lady he is interested in to say no to his advances. This is the way he said he goes about it…

Dan said, he knows that most women love externality than the real thing. According to him, women do not love to be told the truth, so the best way to catch them is to show them the shadow of the real thing and they will come licking your shoe. To catch his prey, all he needs do is go and get his friend (Alex) clothes. He (Alex) has lots of designer clothes because he travels a lot abroad; whenever he is not in town, Sammy will have access to his car and cruise it around town.

He will then go for the lady he wants; first he will try to give her a lift, then he will do all he can to be Mr. Perfect Gentleman until he had gotten her and ‘bed’ her. Then he would move on to another lady. According to him, he has mastered this act over the years that he has become good at it. He has proves of his exploits; he always kept a souvenir- their parties.

What hurt Sammy however, is that Janet the lady he had confessed his undying love for is his present catch. Sammy had expressed his feelings for her and how he has a promising future though the present situation he is in may not seem smooth. She just smiled and never gave him a response to his offer, it was weeks later that he heard that the DON has won her heart.

This is the story that some men have; they never stop wondering why the women they love never seem to show interest for them beyond that of the platonic feeling. These men never stop wondering why women love the bad guys.

If you do not understand the opposite sex, they will never stop to be a mystery to you. Knowing why they do things the way they do, is vital to wining their heats. I have listed below some of the things you need to understand about the opposite sex- the female single…

She is designed to be emotional- Unlike her male counterpart; the female is designed to be primarily emotional. She easily gets attracted to the opposite sex that has touched her in the area of her emotion, than any man that competes against her. I have said this over again in singles conferences that I have been privileged to speak in, if you can get the attention of a woman’s ears, you can win her heart.

If a woman loves a man, she loves him passionately. She will do practically anything to get and keep the man who appeals to her emotion. One of the reason that a woman will give her body to a man is because the man had won her heart; her virginity is a price possession that she will give to a guy that makes her feel special. This is one of the reasons that it is difficult for a woman to forget her first love.

Due to the emotional state of the woman, she can easily live with hatred and unforgiveness for years if the man she gave her heart to breaks it. Women can be vengeful; hurt one real bad and pray for your dear life.

Some women have attempted suicide (commit one to), because the man they gave their heart to, broke it. In my book why ‘good’ women marry ‘bad’ men, I wrote what someone discovered in one of the psychiatric hospital in Nigeria; he discovered that 70% of their female inmate are married women. Their hubby hurt them so bad that they just did not let it go until they went crazy.

Single men, should not make the conclusion that a woman is in love with them because of how she expressed herself emotional. Men should understand that love is more than emotion; love is more of a character thing. Note the way she treats the people around; it will ultimately determine how she will relate with you in the future.

Most single women are skilled prey- Men feel that the women they are dating was primary their decision; they believe that they are the don who got what they want. The one who won the battle against other suitors that were interested in their lady. That my friend (to the men) is a joke.

The reality is that women like most smart preys, stoke their hunters until if care is not taken on their part (the hunter), gain the upper hand against them. Lions are known to kill men who hurt them; they are not just savage beast, they are quite intelligent too.

If men only knew that the women they feel they conquered by making their own, are actually the ones that conquered them. If the lady that you are dating does not choose you amongst the other suitors, you would have been amongst the ones that lost out. I feel that women have what I call a magnetic web- aura, which draws men they are attracted to in; if she does not have feelings for a guy, the aura around her will be pungent. She is like honey that attracts the ant she wants.

I guess some men have stories of how they chased a lady they love for years, but she never seems to show any interested. Then they eventually give up; the day they meet the guy she gave her consent to, they never to stop wondering if she has gone mad.

Women are possessive by nature- Women love to own forever, anyone or thing that ignites their emotion. They have natural tendency to be possessive; that nature can make them very deceptive. Observe your girl friend and your mum or sister; they likely will be best of friends now, but after marriage, it will be another story. The reason is because of the possessive nature of women.

Some men feel that they can just walk into a woman’s life; sleep with her and assume that that is all between them. The day a man sleeps with a lady, he should know that he is actually having sex with a lady who wants to tie him down. Sexual intercourse is more than fun to women; it is actually the giving out of her body and soul. Once she gives that out, she expects to keep whoever she gave it to.

I feel that men should play safe by not getting into anything intimate with the lady they do not have the picture to get married to in the future.

They love men who are in charge- I guess most of the singles that will read this write ups will have either watched or read at least one love story. You will have noted that in those films or novel, the prince is always depicted as a strong figure and not a weakling. He is not depicted as man who cannot eat or sleep because of a lady; he seems to play them around. Then he meets a lady that catches his attention, and he over time professes his undying love for her.

Every man should know that if they have watched or read at least a love story presently, an average single lady has read or watched at least 5. So she carries a picture of a man who will be in charge; not a Lilly livered guy that do not even know how to ask a lady out. Neither does she have a picture of a man that she can boss around all through her life time if she makes a mistake of getting married to him; she wants a man.

In the war of who will keep a lady amongst the suitors available; the one who will win her heart is not the one who can only write and speak Shakespeare. The one who will likely win will be the bold, daring and economically comfortable person amongst them.

Women are very imaginative- Do not dream of a simple marriage around a woman; you will be wasting your time. Women have a fairy tale picture of what their wedding day will be like; they have it so imbedded in their mind that the only thing that can make they alter it is if the circumstances is beyond their control (e.g. in the situation of pregnancy before they tie the knot).

Women have such creative minds; I can remember about six years ago when I was going to get married to my wife. There was nothing I said that made her change her mind on the kind of wedding she had dreamt of; she had such a lovely expensive wedding gown and lovely plans for the wedding day. Thank God for mercy that part of her plans was altered; today, she cannot even put the wedding gown on again (you are free to guess what her size will be now after 2 children). She was happy about the wedding she got, but you can guess the expenses it incurred.

If you are making your marriage arrangement, put it at the back of your mind that it is natural for your lady to have the kind of fantastic imaginations she has. The role of the man is not to emotionally react to the bills that he has to pay, rather he should logically find a way of cutting down the cost.

They think more of the future- Single women often make decision of who they will go into intimate relationship based on how they perceive the future will be like with the person. I call this, security consciousness. I really do not accept the Nigerian adage, which makes women appear to only love men with money. I believe that women love a secure future; it is however, how they define security that differentiates them from one another. I believe that this came with the females make up; the first female was created in a secured environment (do bear with me, this is my religious view). Her hubby had a job, was in charge and a house of his own. If a man has all this, he will appear to be the DON amongst his pears who are not fortunate to be doing to well with the opposite sex. It is often the challenges that men have; many single men have got it in their psychic that no woman can truly love them in the state they are in. I believe that this is not true. You can indeed be loved at whatever level of financial stand that you may be now.

How women define security defers, but the smart ones define it from the perspective of a purpose driven life than from what a man has physically accumulated alone. It is not all women that will accept your present status (if you are not financially buoyant), but if you can communicate your passion and pursue it, you will discover that you are as charming as those with only cash in their pockets.

Women are potential heartbreakers- Due to the consciousness of the future, it is possible for a single lady to leave the love of her life to get married to someone she feels that her future will be secured with.

Another reason why women are potential heartbreakers is because of their emotional state; emotion is never stable. Except a lady has built a life of character, emotional swings may make her go for someone who makes her heart skip beats despite the fact that she may be in a stable relationship.

Every male singles should therefore learn to let their primary essence- logic, prevail against their emotion in their choice of a partner. Care must be taken not to choose a partner that makes you feel young alone, but someone who will be able stay with you till death do you both part irrespective of the uncertainties of the future.

Do you have a question on any relationship issue? Send a text and get a response; your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906495 (no flashing please)
www.relationship-singles.blogspot.com

10 ways to keep the love of your life

Shola just couldn’t understand why she so unlucky when it comes to the matter of the heart; she had dated over five men before her present boyfriend, and had loved them with all of her heart. She gave whatever they ask of her which includes her time, money and body; yet this just do not seems enough for them. They eventually leave in the end. She is afraid of loosing Tayo who she is presently dating.

Over the years of counseling singles, I observe that a common fear with a good percentage of them is the fear of going through heartbreak. Some of them had gone through gruesome experience in the past in relationships that they were in; the experience stil lingers on even when they commit themselves to another. What I have come to observe is that fear causes a vicious cycle of event when it is misdirected. Fear that is constructive would guide from making the mistake of the past by been knowledgeable; destructive kind of fear judge people as the same from the experience they had gone through with out giving the new lover the opportunity to prove him to be different.

I will like to share with you ten ways to keep the love of your life; if you are new or old in the business of relationship, it will help you have a stable one that can lead to successful marriage…

Thou shall not love a man with all your heart- This is the first law most singles break that often leave them with heartbreak; the reason is because every man (both the male and female) is a potential heartbreaker.

The word heart here means to commit the core of ones being to someone else. It is like putting your money in an investment that you do not know anything about; it is likely that you will loose all of your hard earned cash. A lot of singles have not taken the time to understand the opposite sex, or should I say people generally. If you take time to do this, it will keep you on the defensive due to the human nature of inconsistency. His actions are greatly determined by events; so if he loves you today, it may just be that the events are around him are okay.

The only person that you should commit your heart to is God (do bear with me, that is my religious belief); He is the One that your heart is secured with even after marriage. In my book (Why ‘good’ women marry ‘bad’ men), I wrote the following, ‘Someone said, ‘70% of the female inmate in one of the psychiatric hospital in Nigerian got there because of a wrong choice of relationship with the opposite sex.’ I have heard of stories of people who attempted suicide because the person they love with all of their heart decided that it was best they move on.

Thou shall love him like your neighbor- You may love someone and treat the person as special at the early stage of the relationship, but ultimately you will treat him the way you treat everyone else in the end.

I believe that we are designed to live in a consistent manner; a selfish person will not become a selfless one in a relationship for too long. We ultimately treat our love ones the way we treat those that we have nothing to gain a thing from. How will you know if the person you are in relationship with really loves you? Just check out the way he treats people around him.

Thou shall treat him like a bird in an open cage- Excessiveness in anything is not healthy; excessive loving, caring, protecting, jealousy, etc are signs of someone that does not feel secured in the relationship.

Always let your partner have a breathing space; do not monitor or hunt him around town. Never make your partner feel he is been caged, he will look for ways of escape. In my book (Don’t fall in love), I wrote on the need not to be crazily in love with anyone. I wrote the following statement, ‘No one wants to marry a crazy person, which explains the reason why many of the relationships that one partner is crazy about the other does not lead to marriage or a successful one.’ Let him feel free to fly; if he is yours he will always come back to you. If you cage him; he will feel the need to explore other avenues and will eventually not return once he has the opportunity to leave.

Thou shall not let him eat the honey until the d-day- Every single should have the understanding that the way to the heart of your partner is not through their sexual organ. Most men have the feeling that once they are sexually involve with their partner, it guarantees that the lady loves them.

After counseling singles for sometime now, I have come to discover that it is the women that play impossible to get in the area of sex that often keep their relationship to the point of marriage and till death do them part afterwards. Singles that are heartbroken the most when the relationship they are in come to an end are those that had invested time and their body to pleasing their partner. I usually like saying this to singles, what is inside your panties is called private part, if you make it a public part, the public will abuse it and abuse you. The public includes the love of your life, until the day you both say ‘I do.’

Thou shall not hide what cannot be hidden- I am of the opinion that if a relationship will succeed, both parties must come out with any skeleton in their cupboard. There is nothing that can really be hidden that will not eventually come to the open; it’s important then that you come out clean with any information that can make you become the victim of blackmail.

One reason I encourage people to come out clean with any information that their partner should not be kept at the dark of, is because people who repeat a story always say it the way they understand it. Often when this is done, it distort the real story its self. It is better you inform your partner about the events of the past, than wait for him to hear it from somewhere else. If you allow this happen, it will be difficult for you to build the wall of trust he has for you again.

Thou shall be discreet with information- Only wise people, keep what they have. I feel that when it comes to disseminating information, one should be very discreet. A good example is when a guy asks a lady how many men have been sexually involved with her (funny, it is men that ask this question); to give him an answer that 20 men have done that could scare him away. Someone made this profound statement, ‘Every man wants to marry a virgin, but want to live with a prostitute.’ Be discreet with answering any question involving your past without lying.

I feel that men too should learn to be careful how they pass information to the love of their life because of the emotional state of the opposite sex. For instance, if your mum do not approve of your lover, it is not your duty to go and blab this to her. If you do, you are going to have a lady who will never like your mum. That will go a long way of causing frictions between you both later in life.

Even in expressing your opinion there is a need for you to be discreet with what you say, how you say it and when you say it.

Thou shall study your parents’ relationship- I do not believe that experience is the best teacher; I love it when Reverend Sam Adeyemi in a message said, ‘Another person’s experience is the best teacher.’ Everyone one who want to have a successful relationship should understudy their parents; ruminate on how they related with one another and use it as a guide in relating with their partner.

As a single lady, if your mum is fond of nagging your dad, make sure you avoid this in your relationship. If your dad do not like been nagged, the love of your life will hate it too. As a single man observe your dad, if he is the lackadaisical, then avoid that in your relationship because if your mum nags about this attitude, the love of your life will not act differently.

Your parents are a parameter to use when it comes to relating with the opposite sex.

Thou shall not pour new wine in an old wine skin- I feel that one of the challenges of keeping the love of ones life is comparing the present relationship with those of the past that the individual had been hurt in. It is bringing in a new life into an old baggage, it will never work.

The person that you are dating presently should be seen as a new individual, and should be separated from the past; the essence of the past is to learn from its mistake and not to live in them. To keep referring to the present relationship from the dimension of the pain of past relationship is to kill it progressively right from its onset.

I feel that singles should get rid of the mindset that brands everyone in the opposite sex as the same; all men are the same, is a bogus statement. To conclude that women are heartbreakers because of hi an experience is making a bloated statement,

Thou shall learn to play friendly games- If you will ever keep the love of your life, you must learn to live with people who are dear to him in peace. People like his family and friends, should be accorded with due respect.

The idea that relationship is meant for two individuals only is good for the western world; I feel differently about this. I feel that if a relationship will succeed, it is required that both parties involve in it should learn how to live in peace with everyone involved with the lives of their partner before the onset of the relationship.

To get into a relationship with a competitive heart against those that are dear to him is to have him divided against you and his family. In the beginning, he may choose you, but ultimately in the end he will still go back to those that he had been relating with before you came into the scene. I believe women especially should get rid of the mindset that in-laws are bad; I feel this mindset is the beginning of the end of any relationship.

A friendly game is not a do or die affair, because there is nothing to win. It is aimed at preparing both teams for games ahead and not to eliminate the other as in a tournament.

Thou shall learn to pray- A Nigeria adage says, ‘What is good requires that you pray.’ I believe that you should learn to commit the relationship into the hands of God, just as another adage says, ‘It is what is kept in the hand of God that is safe.’

Some of the relationship that ended in heartbreaks had things going smoothly for them in the beginning; they were like a perfect match for each other until the relationship came tumbling down the hill top it has attained over time like Jack and Gill who went to fetch a pail of water.

I feel that anything that will succeed needs God’s active participation; to take God out of it is to see whatever relationship you are in, go into the state of oblivion in the future (do bear with me, that is my religious view).

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906495 (no flashing please)
www.relationship-singles.blogspot.com