10 mistakes that singles commonly make 4

For some weeks back, I have been writing on the subject of the topic above; I have come to the conclusion that mistakes can be avoided and that everything ought not to be learnt by experience. I really am against the saying that celebrates experience as the best teacher; I feel that not all the lessons of life ought to be learnt by going through the experience personally. I have related with singles that have gone through experiences of pain in relationships they had been involved in; you can sense deep rooted pain and scar that may never go away even when they find someone suitable to get married to.

I appreciate the definition of mistake by Pastor Sam Ajana; he defines success as missing the step to take and taking the steps that ought not to be taken. We all have taken the steps that shouldn’t have if knowledge was sought and applied. A month of been married to Lillian made Sylvester realize that he had made a costly mistake; in just one month of marriage, she had barricaded his home from visits from the members of his family who are coldly attended to. When his mum came to Lagos for medical treatment, she got a cold reception from her that made her (his mum) swore that she wouldn’t ever spend some time with them again. Before they got married, he had observed a similar trend of behavior from her; he had observed that she wasn’t the sociable type when it comes to extended family issues. She had often said to him that after marriage she’ll like a ‘me and my hubby alone’ kind of life; every other family members should stay in their own house. He thought that she didn’t mean it because of the kind of relationship she had with his mum and siblings (his dad had been dead years back) before they got married. He has been married for over 10 years, and still wished that he hadn’t taken the step of taking the relationship with her to the level of marriage.

We all have at a point in our life miss the step we should have taken by missing opportunities that came our way; the reality of life is that some opportunities lost can’t be regained again- it’s gone forever. Joseph had known Tara when they were both young; they were like blood brother and sister. They attended the same schools- secondary and tertiary institution; on several occasion he had given her advices on relationship issues and she had pointed him in the direction of women who are doing their best to catch his attention. People have always tried to let both party see that they are suitable for one another; their response was that their relationship is beyond that. Joseph however, noticed that at a particular time in their relationship, Tara was been protective around him; she would appear jealous when some women comes visiting and in some rear occasion turn away some women when they come calling. Today, they are both married to different partners; however, Joseph regretted not listening to people who tried to point him in the direction of relationship with Tara. She still remains his confidant and the person he can share his heart out to.

The story of Sylvester and Joseph shows that though some mistakes can be taken care of, yet others can’t be undone when they are made. As a single it’s important that you reduce the mistakes of your life especially in intimate relationship to the barest minimum and that can only be done by seeking knowledge in the area. Success or failure in life (relationship) is tied to your action or inactions and also to what you know and what you don’t know,

Here is the concluding of the topic I have been treating for some weeks now with an additional point added-

The believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder- I guess that you have heard of the statement- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I really don’t accept that; I have come to observe what people call beauty and my conclusion is, is this guy blind? What they celebrate as beauty is what others are doing their best to let them see that there is something wrong with their sight. Johnny is a dear friend; we have known each other for some years now. When I met the lady he was dating, I knew inside in was in a fools world if he expects the lady to be faithful to him. There was something about her that just made me feel uncomfortable. To Johnny she was the best thing that has ever happened to him; she was beautiful, sexy and always treating him like a prince. You will we see her hug and kiss him like someone madly in love. Today, Johnny can now see what everyone else can see; however, 3 years had gone down the drain and that is one of the reasons he hurts badly. Why did he end the relationship? He caught her read handed on bed with another man. You can still sense his hurt till date; he is in his late thirties but not thinking of marriage. To him women are bitches.

I have come to realize that beauty isn’t in the eye of the beholder alone, everyone on else knows beauty when they see one. When I spoke in a singles gather on the subject we are treating, I told the participant to compare two buildings- one old, the other knew; my word to them is, do you need an angel to tell you that the new house is far more beautiful than the other. When you are the only one that can tell if a person is beautiful, you must either be color blind or mentally retarded. It’s a costly mistake to feel that you are the one eye man in the land of the blind; it’s a costly mistake not to listen to other peoples opinion on whom you are dating.

When you are the only one that can see the beauty in someone and every other person says other wise; what you are seeing is what will bring lots of misery to you later in life.

Despising the spiritual authority place over you- Whatever religion you practice, there are spiritual authorities that are put in place to bring order and to teach followers on its dictate. They are spiritual guides place over your life for your good; they are men with weaknesses, yet they were placed there for your good.

Years ago, I heard a Muslim cleric make a profound statement that I have said over and over again even in Christian gathering that I spoken in on relationship issues. He said, ‘Muslim should get married to singles and Christians should get married to themselves.’ I have rephrased that statement this way, Christians should marry Christians, Muslim should get married to Muslims, atheist should get married to atheist, while born again Christians should get married to themselves.

I have observe that some Christian singles have prophets that they celebrate more than their pastor; I feel that this is an abnormal trend because their pastor and not the man that acts as a seer is the one place to be a shepherd over them. It’s so disheartening when I come in contact with singles who despise spiritual authority; no single that ever does that who don’t have a measure of regret for that action.

I heard the story of a lady that sought the counsel of her pastor on her relationship issue; his response is that she should go and pray about the issue to seek God’s will though she knew that after the medical result they brought, she could sense that he will not approve of the relationship. The medical result shows that they were both AS; she rebel against his counsel when he eventually told her not to move the relationship to the stage of marriage. They got married without the church’s approval in a registry and all seems well until they had their first child; he was diagnosed to have sickle cell anemia. The family is going through financial challenges because when their son has a crisis, it gulps a lot of the family fund. This is beginning to have a toll on their relationship.

Do you have a question on any relationship issue or do want to receive my monthly text messages? Send a text with your email address and get a free e-book; your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya 08037257479,

10 mistakes that singles commonly make 3

The past two weeks, I have been writing on the subject of discussion; I have come to realize that when a person is knowledgeable and there is an application of what is known, lots of the pains of experience will be avoided. I believe that most things in life shouldn’t be learnt by experience; sometimes the scars that it leaves often remain with one until death. When a single go through a terrible experience in the relationship she had been involved with in the past, it’s easy for her never to trust the opposite sex even though she might get involve with a sincere one.

Sarah really don’t believe that no man can be faithful to his partner; she had seen her dad cheat on her mum, and she had stumble on her boyfriends (she had dated 3) cheat on her. So when she met John who is committed to his religion and who seems to treat her differently, she fell in love with him. However, she never stops nagging him when she sees him with another lady (when they are pretty); she would tell him how much men can’t be trusted and their been irresponsible. Eventually she would discover that there was no intimacy between him and those ladies. One event however became more embarrassing for him was when Sarah came visiting at his place when he was not around; his sister had returned from the university because of ASUU strike and had decided to put up with him for the night. When Sarah met her in his apartment, she put up a fight with her; what saved the day were neighbors who came to the rescue of his sister. This to John was the event that broke the camel’s back. He walked out of the relationship.

We all are susceptible to mistakes; however, some mistakes in life can be avoided if knowledge is sought. If every single will take the time to read and observe other people’s experiences, the rate of heartbreaks will reduce drastically. I observe a trend that I want everyone who will read this write up to avoid, it’s that of concluding that they have had enough of reading or hearing information on relationship. The more you know the more stable you will be and the less chance (that is if you are smart enough to observe what is written or heard) of making the mistakes that others have made.

Here is the continuation of the write up on the avoidable mistakes singles make-

Not having a scale of preference per time for their lives- I feel that there is time for everything under the heaven; just as there is a time to be born and die, there is also a time to go into relationship and time not to go into one. I feel the singles should pursue self improvement before wooing a lady; I feel that the more enlighten a person is, the chances that he can make the right decision on who eventually get married to and the success of the marriage.

One are I feel that all singles should be enlightened on is in the area of their academics; some couples (women especially) have personal regrets that they didn’t make their education their priority before they got married. When Tonia was much young, she was quite beautiful and the babe in town. She had chunk of men wooing her; despite the fact that her mum (her died had died two months after birth) kept telling her to be level head and be studious she just didn’t get understand why she (her mum) was so touchy on the issue until she got pregnant and got married to Dany. He had promised her heaven on earth if she gets married to him and part of which is to foot her education bills. When she had her first child, he gave the excuse that she should take time out to care for him until he is old enough; in less than two years in the marriage, she got pregnant again and not long after his birth she had another daughter. All would have been well if her husband was not defrauded by people he did business with. Presently, they are going through tough times financially and she is handicapped to help; the reason is because the job is can only get is that of a messenger because doesn’t have the required qualification to get a better one.

My advice to singles who will read this write is; don’t settle down with the qualification you have now. The best that you can do for yourself now (before you get married and the children start coming) is to keep upgrading yourself academically; I have discovered that when you gain admission into a tertiary institution, you will discover that you were once a local champion and that the guys who are saying all the sweet nothing are also local champs. If you keep a level head and graduate with good grades, you will also discover that relationship entails more than what the lover boys in school had been saying and doing.

Not learning from the mistakes of their parents- It’s so common to see singles blame their parents for their predicaments; it’s so easy to judge and condemn them. I have observe this trend over the years and one thing that is common with people who do this, is that they make similar mistakes that their parents make. I young adult was relating with me some years back; she was calling her mum all manner of names for leaving them when they were young. When she began saying those words, I have a deep pressure in my heart and immediately told her to stop because God hasn’t given a child to dishonor his/her parents irrespective of the mistakes they may have made. However, I observed in her life similar trend in the behavior of her mum and herself.

Recently, I had a discussion with one of the adult youth I relate with; she was an under graduate in one of the tertiary institution in the country. She had met a young lad and they had become intimate friends; they had talk about settling down in marriage in some couple of years from now. in the course of our discussion she spoke on her experience after she took a new turn instead of going in the path her mum is taking when relating with her dad. She discovered that just as her dad reacts adversely when her mum speaks to him in a manner, her fiancé also does the same. So when she changes her approach to issues and spoke with him differently, she observed that he listens to what she has to say to him.

My advice to singles that will have the opportunity to read this write up is not to make the mistake of blaming their parents, but rather to learn from their mistakes and consciously not making the same.

Do you have a question on any relationship issue or do want to receive my monthly text messages? Send a text with your email address and get a free e-book; your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya

08037257479

10 mistakes that singles commonly make 2

Last week, I began writing on the subject above; I believe that there are mistakes that are avoidable in life provided that people are willing to seek knowledge and act on what they know. Knowledge isn’t power without action; I believe knowledge is amoral, what you do with what you know is what determines if you see the result you desire.

We all are prone to making mistakes in life; however, there are mistakes that have grave consequence. If such mistakes are made it will have a vibrating effect even to the future of the one who made it. Every mistake has a consequence; however, the repercussion of mistakes defers.

I really need to pass this to everyone that will be privilege to read this write up the word I heard Reverend Sam Adeyemi made; he said, ‘Experience is the best teacher o yes; but other peoples experience is the best teacher.’ I quite agree with him; you don’t have to learn something from experience, it may leave you with a scar that may be with you till death.

Here is the story and some of the write up on the last edition- John was one of the numerous young men who believe that a woman will succumb to them based on African tradition that gives the man unlimited power on how to run his own home. He saw that his dad was in charge at home; when he comes in (his dad) every one behaves like saints because of his authoritative nature. He was the carbon copy of his dad; looks, the air of authority and the rock like tendencies when he has made his decision on any matter.

However, presently he is having challenges with his wife because unlike his mum, she has become very expressive of her opinion on any issue. She would say what she wants done without owing him any apology and get it done. Malta had thought that over time he’ll drop some of his imposing attitude; since he was unwilling to change, she had made up her mind to damn the consequence of John’s action on any issue. She had bluntly refused to resign her appoint as he had threaten her to, nor is she willing to be kicked around the way his dad does to his mum.

There is one reality that I believe that is visible to every singles that will read this write up, and it’s the fact that marriages are collapsing at an alarming rate. I believe that most of divorce we see may not have been necessary if one of the couples had not made the mistake of taking the relationship to the stage of marriage. Divorce hurts not just the parties that took the path; the children that came out of that union will also experience it.

There are mistakes you can make in life and get away with it; there are some that will trap you and never let your life remain the same. I have listed here some of those mistakes that are common with singles; you may have made those mistakes, but as long as you haven’t taken the relationship to the stage of marriage, there is still hope.

Here is a continuation of the subject of discussion from last week edition-
Bringing their old baggage into the new relationship- One mistake common with singles that have experienced a failed relationship, is bringing the baggage of that relationship to the new one. They get into a new relationship without first taking care of themselves; they come in with all manner of faulty mindset and expect the new relationship to succeed.

To Tony women are bitches; all the women he knew in the past that he showed his love on, ended up cheating on him. The one that hurt the most was his last relationship; he loved Silvia to a fault. She had come in when his life was in a mess when Cynthia left him; she had gotten married behind his back without her hinting him that she was two timing on him. Silvia came in shortly after this relationship ended; however, Tony couldn’t just bring himself to the point of trusting her because of his experience. Over and over again, he would say to her that women can’t be trusted; women are bitches. When he sees her talking to her male friend, he would suck and whine all through the time they are together. Three months into the relationship, Silvia called it quit; her reason for leaving was that she can’t continue in a relationship that she is generalized with other bad eggs because they are of the same gender.

No relationship will succeed in the atmosphere of distrust; allow your heart get healed before you go into another relationship. Relationship that people get into without allowing time to heal the wound is called transitional relationship; it rarely survives to the stage of marriage.

The mistake of familiarity- I wrote on my wall on facebook the following, the beautiful ones are already here, but the perfect ones will never see the light of this world. One mistake that is so common with singles is looking far for whom to look for as a partner- I call this, the trap of familiarity. The beautiful ones are here, but they have flaws that you can see and that are what makes them unique. There is no real diamond that doesn’t have its flaw.

Shola would have been married long ago if she had not made the mistake of not considering her life with Dennis together; they had been childhood friends who had grown up together in the same neighborhood. When he professed his love for her about 4 years ago, she didn’t even give his proposal a thought. She knew him too well; she knew his flaw (he is quite emotional) and when she was asked by her friends on the issue of Dennis, her response was that if Dennis is the last man on earth is will rather go and become a nun,

When he kept asking for her response, she found it disgusting and told him that she had only seen him as a friend and don’t even think about living the rest of her life with him. Two years later, Dennis moved on; he found love in the arms of Seun (he, Shola. John and Seun had been really good friends from their childhood days), and not long afterwards they got married.

It was a year after Dennis got married that it dawn on her what she had missed; she saw how he lovely treated his wife and child. The guy that she was crazy about ended up leaving her for another lady after three years of courtship.

Singles easily make the mistake of looking down on prospective partners because they had gotten familiar with that individual; the believe is that what is far off, shrouded in mystery is far better than what has become common to them. However, I hold a strong opinion that it’s better to get married to someone you have known for some time, who is you friend. Don’t make this mistake, least after marriage; you discover that you have married a stranger.

Do you have a question on any relationship issue or do want to receive my monthly text messages? Send a text with your email address and get a free e-book; your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479

10 mistakes that singles commonly make 1

John was one of the numerous young men who believe that a woman will succumb to them based on African tradition that gives the man unlimited power on how to run his own home. He saw that his dad was in charge at home; when he comes in (his dad) every one behaves like saints because of his authoritative nature. He was the carbon copy of his dad; looks, the air of authority and the rock like tendencies when he has made his decision on any matter.

However, presently he is having challenges with his wife because unlike his mum, she has become very expressive of her opinion on any issue. She would say what she wants done without owing him any apology and get it done. Malta had thought that over time he’ll drop some of his imposing attitude; since he was unwilling to change, she had made up her mind to damn the consequence of John’s action on any issue. She had bluntly refused to resign her appoint as he had threaten her to, nor is she willing to be kicked around the way his dad does to his mum.

There is one reality that I believe that is visible to every singles that will read this write up, and it’s the fact that marriages are collapsing at an alarming rate. I believe that most of divorce we see may not have been necessary if one of the couples had not made the mistake of taking the relationship to the stage of marriage. Divorce hurts not just the parties that took the path; the children that came out of that union will also experience it.

There are mistakes you can make in life and get away with it; there are some that will trap you and never let your life remain the same. I have listed here some of those mistakes that are common with singles; you may have made those mistakes, but as long as you haven’t taken the relationship to the stage of marriage, there is still hope.

Love is everything- Making decisions based on emotional undertone is one of the major challenge that singles have; I feel the reason is because of information that is constantly been passed to them. A good number of singles are looking for someone who will love them; when they find such they act like a sheep led to the slaughter.

Over the years of counseling singles the ones that I have discovered most difficult to reach are those who are emotional attached to another person I once passed a message to a person that asked for my counsel on the relationship he was in; I honestly told him that lady he’s dating is not suitable; she’s not a wife material. However I observed that she has a childish attitude always hugging and kissing him; she was always saying sweet nothing to him. He didn’t listen to what I had to say (how did I know- I sense that my advice was like throwing balls on the wall); after 3 years into the relationship he had to call it quit. Some singles have however made this mistake but can’t correct it because they are now married.

I tell singles there are times that I don’t feel I love my wife (emotion are so unstable); so when it comes to making the decision of who to go into relationship with, care must be taken that the decision should be made from a practical stand point- is he a person of character, matured, hospitable? It takes time to know this; so singles who are wise should take time to know their prospective partner before giving their consent.

The way to a man’s heart is through his groin- I have had some single ladies ask me for counsel in relations to sex and relationship; my advice has always been- run for your dear life. Premarital sex only achieves one thing only, temporal satisfaction; however, it leaves lasting pains.

When man is sexually involved with a lady, at the back of his mind, he unconsciously has a inclination to believe that she can get involve with another man even after marriage. The level of trust he will have for her will diminish: I read a Christian literature once, that the author made the statement that over 51% of marriages that collapsed has its root in premarital sex. You can’t give a man your body before marriage and expect him to trust you 100% afterwards that you will be faithful to him.

Met a young man once, who has seen some terrible things some women do; he sees his rich male friends have their way with women. He said to me, if it’s not that I got married to my wife as a virgin, it’ll be hard for me to believe that she will not play around.

Religion doesn’t matter- There are things that it is assumed not significant until the reality of their importance dawn on people with such assumptions years later. I have heard some unwise statement made by both men and women on religion issue; I have heard men say that it doesn’t matter which religion you get married from, you wife will integrate into your own after marriage. To some woman, love will cover all; so if I love him, I will go with him till the end of the world. A lady who is single once said to me, that it doesn’t matter once both parties love one another. That is the deception many singles have come to believe.

Conversion to another religion through marriage is never a wise move because people always tend to go back to their belief when the reality of life hits their lives and marriage. If you see couples who live ‘happily’ despite their religious differences, look deep into their lives; lots of people are suffering and smiling as Fela sang. They only carry a façade of happiness, but deep inside they have their regrets.

When Gina met Gary 10 years ago, you felt that she had found the man of her dreams; he was loving and everything a woman would want in a man. She however, felt uncomfortable with his atheist belief, but later decided to get married to him when he promised that he’ll not stop her from been active in her religion. When their children began to grow up, Gary will not allow her take them any where near church; when she complains, his response is always, she can go anywhere she wants but not with his children. Today, she is unhappy because her children don’t want to have anything to do with God.

All men/women are the same- It’s a common mistake with singles who have gone through heartbreaks; they come to a conclusion that the people of the opposite sex and no better than themselves. I got a call once from a lady who can’t stop seeing all men as irresponsible; why? She had had heartbroken by the man she got married to who had taken the step of divorce; he is presenting dating a much younger lady than she is. According to her, all through her singles days she had experienced 3 heartbreaks and she had felt that her hubby will be different; they had all left her for someone much younger.

Are all men/women the same? Yes and No is my response; all men like to be in charge (no man likes been boss around by his babe); all men like sex (if you want some attention from them, put on something sexy); all men are like predators (once they have sex with a lady, they will likely leave to go a hurting for another prey); all men find it difficult to love their wives, etc. however, it’s not all men that will sleep with anything on skirt (even though his groin wants to), nor throw a punch at their wives, nor make a slave out of their partner (text me you email address and I will mail you my book 21 never singles must observe).

Such mindset is the undoing of many relationships.

He will change later in life- When Linda got slapped when she was dating George and he came asking her forgiveness with tears in his eyes with the promise that it won’t happen again; she forgive him over and over again. George had unconsciously made her to believe that his reactions are her fault; so when he became violent with her, she would blame herself and try to act better another time. They have been married for over 15 years, yet he hasn’t stopped battering her.

Some singles believe that marriage change people; I guess that belief came from emotional films that they view. I guess most singles have heard/watched James Bond- the hunky tough guy that is the ladies man. You will observe that he never gets trapped to stick to one single lady; for every series come different beautiful babes without his making a commitment to marriage. I guess you will say that is his role; you are right. However, you should let it also sink in your heart that you can’t have a James Bond kind of a guy get or stay committed to you. The principle every single should note is, ‘Marriage don’t change people; it amplifies who they are.’

Do you have a question on any relationship issue or do want to receive my monthly text messages? Send a text with your email address and get a free e-book; your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906495

The past, the present= your future

When I counsel singles, I usually like checking them out from the premise of the past; over time I have come to a conclusion that the past is a core determinant of the future. When I counsel singles who have challenges with the issues of the heart, I ask them questions relating to their past and over 80% of the time I discovered that the outcome of their present challenges which can spill over to the future has a tie to it. Singles that have challenges the most are those who have issues in the past which they have not taken care off.

The past tells a lot about what the outcome of the future will be like; if you relate with couples with successful marriages, you will find the relationship between two individuals who learn from the past and do not live in it. If I will do a mathematical equation of the correlation of the past to the present and future, it will look like this- The Past= The Present= The Future. If you take away the past, a person’s life will simply have no more meaning or direction.

Why is the past an antecedent to the future? I strongly believe that it is because the past is where what we call experience come from; our accepted concept is that experience is the best teacher, and so over 80% of our decisions in life come from the experience of the past.

If a lady grew up in a home that her father is irresponsible and if her mum constantly lament on the negligent nature of her dad; there are over 80% chances that she will not have successful relationship with the opposite sex. The experience if she allows it will form the basis of her world view of men and she will become prone to making mistakes in the matter of the heart.

When I heard the story of Jane and the challenges she was having in her marriage, I knew that her predicament stems from her experience from a father that is reckless. She had developed the mindset that all men are irresponsible; that was the unconscious basis that she related with the opposite sex. All the intimate relationship she had been involved in before she got married (5) did not lead to marriage because the men just could not stand her domineering attitude and her distrust for the male gender after a period of time in their relationship. She got hurt whenever they left, and these seems to strengthen her believe about men.

When she met Larry 4 years ago, he seems different. He had been raised in a home where his mum was responsible for their upbringing after the demise of his father. He was more patient, loving and understanding when she confided in him about the experience of her mum. It was obvious that he loved her, and she did have the same feeling for him. A year into the relationship they got married; however, to the dismay of her hubby she still did not trust him after they had been married for 3 years and with two children.

When I related with him on the issue; I told him that the reason he got married to his wife was because of the experience of his childhood. He got married to his wife because she was raised by a strong woman like his own mum; everything about them seems similar except the fact that his own dad was late. Another difference between them is that his mum spoke well of his dad; though he had not known him (he was an infant when he died), yet she had portrayed him as the best man that ever live, while Jane’s mum kept banging it on the head of her daughters that men are not responsible.

Jane’s own problem was that she allowed her mum’s words and how she saw her dad behave form a mindset that is wrong instead of learning from it. She should have learnt that it was her mum’s bad choice of a partner that got her into the challenge they are in rather than generalizing her opinion about men. That would have saved her from the pains she went through in her first 5 relationships; her attitude which had made them leave would have been different. The failure of those relationship had strengthen her believe that men are truly irresponsible like her dad.

Their marriage is under undue stress because two people made decisions that came out of their past experience instead of established rules.

I counseled a single once that was having challenges with keeping her relationship to the stage of marriage; I told her to tell me about her relationship with her parents. She has a cordial relationship with her mum, but she dislikes her father. Like story of Jane, she had been raised by her mum, while her dad had not responsible in anyway for their upbringing. I told her if she would ever have successful relationship that will lead to marriage; she must first forgive her father. Then she will need to stop making the experience of her dad a pivotal point in the way she relates with men; as long as she concludes that all men are like her father, she would not stop having heartbreaks.

What is your past like? What pain have you gone through that seemed to be controlling the way you view the opposite sex? If you do not take care of it, you will not see the kind of relationship you desire come to reality. Let me use this expression; no one who walks and keeps his attention to his back walks straight. Just as the direction of your head determines where your whole body goes; the same goes for your mind. Someone says that, ‘Our lives gravitate to the direction of our dominant thoughts.’ If your dominant thoughts is that of the pain of the past, which is the reality you will keeping seeing in the present and future.

What should you do with the past? Learn from it, and let it be. I am of the opinion that in many matters of life, experience is never meant to be the best teacher. Experience should teach; however, it should not be made the reality because what walked for an individual may not do the same for another. If you treat your new flame like the old one, you will get different result because they are two different unique individuals. Learn from the past; extract the juice like when you squeeze and orange, then throw the rest away instead of keeping it.

When a single that comes to me for counseling has experience a heartbreak, what I ask them is what they have learnt from it. What they have learnt from that experience is far more than what they have lost, because it will help guard them against similar one. Life is like a classroom; the past is one of the classes you have to pass its examine to move to the next class. If all you hold on to is the painful experience instead of the lesson, you will keep repeating the mistakes over and over again. Your experience will be like the vicious cycle; you are neither moving forward.

Everyone that reads this write up has the right to prove me wrong; people who have gone through heartbreaks over and over again are those who did not sit down to understudy why their relationship failed in the first place. They are the type of people who see their ex lovers as the one to blame for all of their predicaments without pointing an accusing finger in their own direction. So when they experienced their first heartbreak, instead of taking a break to look critically on why it failed, they only concentrate on the pain. They rush into another to relieve the pain, only to get hurt again.

How is your present life like? If you are not enjoying any aspect of it, ruminate on the past event that may have lead to the present predicament; learn from it and leave the rest.


Do you have a question on any relationship issue? Send a text and get a response; your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906495
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Ladies... men you should not consider for a partner

Years ago Ruka met a charming guy (Lanre); he was one of her lecturers in the university. She had heard rumor by some students that Lanre was a Casanova; he however, was a smooth one because he cannot tie him to any female student. Lanre picked interest in her because she was quite intelligent; he became friendly with her and treated her as special.

In her final year, Lanre made proposal for marriage; though she was a little uncomfortable, she gave her consent. Some of the female students when they saw how close they were, walked up to her to tell her that Lanre was not the kind of man a decent girl like should be dating. She felt they were jealous; months into the relationship, she got pregnant and they got married.

All went well (at least that was what she thought) until after two years of marriage; she began hearing rumor that Lanre was already intimately involved with another of his students. When she confronted him, he did not deny it. Today, they are separated and Lanre now lives permanently with his new lover leaving his wife and daughter in the apartment he rented.

This story is true for some of the women married today; they dated men who they thought would change over time, but never did. Marriage really does not change people, what it does is amplify who they are. In this write up I will share with you, men you should not consider for a partner. These men are…

Excessively emotional men- Women because of their make ups tend to get attracted to the opposite sex that show them love and care; they are attracted to men who are not just successful but emotional. If a guy takes the time to listen to the heartfelt need of a lady, it is easy for him to walk into her life. I like saying that, if a man has access to a woman’s ears, he will have access to almost everything else- heart and sexual organ. If every lady that will read these write up do an honest search of why they went into intimate relationship in the past, they will come up with the fact that the guy awoke feelings in them by certain act of care they showered them or to someone around.

However, women should be careful of excesses in the emotions, display by men. When a man exhibits excessiveness in the way he displays his emotions, there is something wrong with him. Though a man is emotional, but his primary essence is logic. If you see a man cry and beg when there are challenges in your relationship, you may call it love, but it really is not. Crying and begging is good for romantic films, but in real life events men ought to comport themselves. If a man out of an emotional outburst throws you or anyone a slap; do not give excuses for his action, run for your dear life. One word that I have observe is common with women who opt out of their marriage is, I saw this trait in him, but I thought he will change over time.

It is not love when a man hits another man because of you; it is not love when a man stays with you 24/7 instead of going to get a job or work; it is not love when a man keeps getting angry when he sees you relating with the opposite sex, etc. It shows there is a problem.

Play boys- I have observed over time that women who date Casanovas with the hope that they will eventually settle down with them, always end in deep pain because of the heartbreak they experience before or after the marriage (if they are not smart enough not to take the relationship to the next level). In my mini book, Goodbye, facts that makes saying it necessary; I wrote the story of a lady who I told to leave the relationship she was in. One of the reasons I gave her this counsel was because I knew the guy is a Casanova (he still is); she didn’t listen to me and in the end she got thrown out after she had done more than three abortions; according to him, he does not want a child yet.

When you meet a man that is just to fine, smooth and is a ladies man, you should think twice about getting involved with him intimately. You will not be Ms lucky for long if you go into relationship with him; men like that never stick too long with any lady. In love stories, the opposite of what I am writing on is what is shown to people; a Casanova when he meet a particular lady suddenly becomes a saint and lives with her happily ever after. That my lady is a lie; do not forget that we are designed to behave in a consistent manner. Casanova before marriage will not be a monogamous lover afterwards.

Irresponsible men- If you ever meet a man who gives excuses for not doing what is required of him, run for your dear life. I read the story of a lady whose in-laws warned her not to get married to their son because he was irresponsible. He was doing quite well in his profession; he has a duplex of his own and drives a luxury car, yet he will not raise a helping hand to his parents and siblings still in school. When she confronted him with this, he will give excuses and in order to prove his point he will remind her of how he has been generous to her and her family. He would tell her of the plans he has to make life better for his own parents and sibling; yet before and after they got married, he did nothing about these plans. Today, he treats her like his family members. She pays for the school fees of the children without him dropping a penny; if she complains about money issues, he will give a thousand and one excuses why he cannot give a dime yet.

Before marriage, men are emotional givers; after marriage, they are practical givers. Do not be deceived by the way a man spends money on you to come to a conclusion that this guy is a great giver because you go a shopping on his expenses. The best way to know a responsible fellow is to observe the way he treats his own family and people around. There is no excuse that is tenable for not doing what is required of you; if a man will not make sacrifices for his family, he will eventually treat you the same.

Men who have no authority figures in their lives- If you meet a man who claims he is self made, he likely will be someone who will not listen to other people’s opinion. These are dangerous men to be involved with; the reason is they will do what is in their mind irrespective of the way other people may feel about it.

Marriage has its own challenges; sometimes the other partner may need to be put in check but his partner may not be having the desired result when she tries to make him see reasons. At a point their may be a need to call in someone he respects to sit him down and talk to him. I have heard people say, that one should not give allow a third party in their marriage. I feel that this statement is not right; we all need someone who can reprimand us, whether we are single or married. However, such person must be matured enough to point out areas of corrections not out of emotion but by the established rules that determines the success of any relationship. We all need a father figure in our lives; if a man does not have that covering in his life, he is not someone that will make a good hubby.

Men, who keep wrong company- An English adage says, ‘Bird of a feather, flock together.’ I feel it will not be wrong for me to say, men of a kind, flock together. One way anyone can be influenced is through the company he keeps; like a bird, they flock together and stay together. The company we keep is a reflection of who we really are; the English adage, ‘Show me your friend and I will show you who you are’ is right. If his friends are in vices you do not like, know that he is not far from it. Observe married men, who are not responsible, their friends are not too different from them.

If you are not comfortable with the company the guy you are dating keeps; I feel you need to do a rethink on the relationship than take it to the next level (marriage). He will likely not change the company he keeps if you get married to him; they will likely be his first adviser if (when) you have challenges in your marriage. Do not endure the company he is keeping because you want to keep the relationship going; they will ultimately destroy it in the long run.

Men who behave like women- When my write up was published in of one the Nigerian dailies tagged, every husband needs a nagging wife; I got a response which led to this part of this write up. One of the women who responded talked about men who nag like hell. Women by design are made to talk more than men; they are not the type to keep quite when things are out of place. They will keep repeating what they want to see changes in or just resign themselves to fate. It is in repeating themselves that married men call nagging. Interestingly, when they were single, such behave was sweet music to their ears.

If you meet a man who talks too much; repeats events over and over again, I will implore you not to take the relationship to the level of marriage. It is horrifying to see a man just keep repeating himself on issues he should just express his mind on once.

Another trait that is common to women is repeating past events; rarely will you meet a lady that cannot repeat vividly pains of the past. Women should observe if their men has this traits before talking about marriage; it will be frustrating living with a man that is not your opposite.

The word opposite is an interesting word; it shows the difference in a thing from another. It implies that they may seem to have similarities, but the distinctions between them are clearly spelt out. The same goes with the opposite sex you are dating; he may exhibit certain similarities with your sex, yet the distinction in the way you do things should be clear to you. If the differences in your essence are not clearly spelt out, do not make the mistake of taking the relationship to the level of marriage.

Men who are tied to their parents’ apron- Psychological maturity is one key trait that every lady should note in any man they are interested in. I am not saying that the man in your life should disregard his parents; however, the man should at a certain age level be able to make decisions of his own with little or no interference from his parents.

I counsel a lady once whose fiancé did not know how to say no to his dad; he wanted him to consider another lady because the lady was not a tribe member. I advise her to consider leaving the relationship or else she may discover after marriage that his dad is the one ruling their home. If he is not man enough to tell his dad what he wants and insist on it, he will not be man enough to tell him to let him rule his own home as he wants in the future.

Do you have a question on any relationship issue? Send a text and get a response; your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906495

Guys… ladies you should not consider for a partner

John wailed like a child when he got home to inform his parents of the events that had happened in his relationship; Mary his fiancée had walked out of the relationship a week to the wedding day which they had been preparing for over 6 months without giving any tangible excuses. Nothing they did comforted him; he was so heartbroken that they had to compel him to stay with them for over a week (he had already gotten his leave of absence from the office because of the wedding arrangement) because of the fear of the stability of his mind.

What broke John was not just the timing which Mary decided to end the relationship alone, but what he discovered two days afterwards. He had done everything possible to make Mary change her mind when she quitted the relationship; he had called his friends and her own to speak to her. He had wept in her presence, begging her not to leave him, yet she just kept behaving in an unperturbed manner. Two days after she quitted the relationship, he got a call from one of his friends that his fiancée was getting married in one of the registries. He did not believe his ears until he got to the venue of the wedding and seeing his sweet heart in the arm of another man. He went wild, screaming at the top of his voice incoherently until he lost consciousness.

When John ruminated on the issue months later, he discovered that all signs showed that things were not right in the relationship but he had given excuse for them because he loved Mary. He remembered that she kept talking about her previous boy friend that had traveled abroad and never got back to her in manner that shows she still cares for him (he discovered later that he was the one she got married to); she will suddenly disappear when she wants to receive some calls, etc. Though he is gradually getting over the heartbreak, yet the hurt some times feel fresh.

This is the sad story that some men have to tell about the opposite sex; they got hurt because they ignored obvious signs that things were not right in their relationship. Here are list of ladies you should not consider for a partner…

Women who have not buried the past- The past is powerful enough to shape the future; if things go wrong with our lives in the past, it could have a grave impact on our present and future. Pain can do a constructive or destructive work on people depending on how each individual react to it.

When I spoke in one of the university in Nigeria recently on relationship issues; one of the question that I was asked was on the issue of a guy going through challenging times in his relationship because his fiancée can’t just let go of the past. She has formed an opinion that men can’t be trusted, so I was asked what the guy should do. My response was that the guy should walk out of the relationship. Why did I come to this conclusion? Over the years I have discovered that hurting people hurt others either consciously or unconsciously.

One way you will know a person that is hurting is; she consciously generalizes everyone as the same. The statement, ‘All men are the same’ is a statement often associated to hurting people. It is best a man walk out of a relationship that his lady keeps talking about the past than stay in it. If your lady keeps reliving the glory of her past relationship, then my advice is that you set her free to go back to her old lover and run for your dear life.

Women who are not discreet with words- I was in a friends place once when two individuals (a guy and his fiancée) walked in to see him, to work out a challenge that they were going through. In the cause of discussion, the lady became dirty in her use of words. Her words were so foul that I did not need to wonder what will happen when they get married.

If you ever meet a lady who can say anything just as they are, you have found disaster that is about to happen. No man should be blinded nor should they give excuses for the lack of discretion on the issue of words from the lady they are dating. Irrespective of how angry a person is, it is wrong to fight dirty with words.

Let me give this advice to every male single that will read this write up; walk out of the relationship with any lady that batter your ego. One way that a man’s ego can be battered is when he is compared with another individual. I have said this to men in the relationship meetings that I was privileged to speak in; walk out of any relationship that your fiancée compares you with your friend, she will not stop it after marriage. Never forget that we are designed to behave in a consistent manner; a bad mouth lady will not be a wise one after marriage.

Ask men who have thrown a punch at their wives; you will hear that they (wives) said things that made them loose control. If you want to be a gentleman after marriage, stay away for foul mouthed ladies irrespective of your feelings.

Women that you suspect are two timing- There is nothing that hurt a married man more than knowing that his wife is sexual involved with another man; men have been known to take the path of murder to save their honor.

Women who two time are pretty smart about how they go about it; over the years though, I have come to a conclusion that there is no perfect cover up or liars. What get decent men fooled easily is they close their mind to what is evidently wrong in their relationship. Sometimes they ignore the uncomfortable feeling that they have about their partner; some of this feeling initially does not have a concrete evident to prove its veracity.

When you are dating a lady who will not pick her calls in your presence nor can explain some of her movement, you may be relating with a lady that is two timing. If a lady is not consistent in her words she is a potential two timer because people who lie are prone to other evil vices.

Women who are too in control of their lives- Women who make decisions of their own and carry a posture of been in charge are not the best of women to get married to. It is good that a lady knows what she wants out of life, and be daring to achieve it. Yet she should not be the type that is not willing to change or adapt to the requirement of letting her man take the leadership position in the relationship.

I heard the story of a young man that stopped his marriage arrangement recently; his fiancée had taken a major decision in the marriage plans without consulting him though they had both talked on the issue earlier and he had given her a standing instruction on the issue.

Women who will not allow their men take the leadership position should be done away with before marriage; love should not blind any man from the reality of the misery of a woman that always has her way. I feel every man should read my write up on the internet (www.scribd.com... log in femi fasanya) tagged when men wear brassiere and women singlet. Though the write up is for married men, yet I feel it will help those that are single see reasons to make a wise choice of a submissive lady for a wife.

Women with terrible attitude- A dear friend, who got to know a lady years ago, decided that it was time to solidify the relationship. He made his proposal known to her and she told him she was going to think about. Few weeks later, she came visiting him at home for the first time. Her attitude the day she came visiting was appalling; she spoke rudely and behaved so terribly that my friend allowed the relationship die a natural death. Today he is married to someone else and I consider the move a smart one.

A Nigerian adage says, ‘Attitude is like smoke, it cannot be hidden.’ When you meet a person with a terrible attitude, it won’t take long to know it, but some single men ignore it because these ladies treat them differently. Some men ignore these dangerous flaws until they got married and feel like they are in a trap.

Men should note attitudes tied to relationship with close family members; if your babe is not the accommodating type and you love your family, the best you can do is move on. Attitudes when it comes to spending should not be ignored; if you are dating a lady who sees you as a meal ticket or she has become dependant on you for things, move on. If you get married to a lady who is milking you today, after marriage, you will be hiding your money in the car.

Do you have a question on any relationship issue? Send a text and get a response; your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906495

Understanding the opposite sex- the male single

If you met Tonia, and raise the issue of relationship with her; what you will hear her say is that all men are the same- they just cannot be trusted. She had gone through bitter experiences in the intimate relationships she had been involved in, in the past. In her last relationship, she could have sworn that John was different from every other man she had dated in the past. He was such a darling; she could confide in him and enjoy the attention that he showered on her. She loved him dearly.

However, things did not work out in the relationship as she had expected that it would. He had told her early in the relationship that he has a child from his first love, but that there was no string attached between them any more. In the cause of relating with her intimately, he asked for her forgiveness. He said, he loved her but he cannot take the relationship to the next level (marriage), because he was concerned about his son not growing up without his dad around. According to him, his ex has being using the child to blackmail him to come back to her; she had also gone to the extent of using his family against him.

Today, he had gone back to her; Tonia still hurts badly when she remembers all the unkept promises he made to her.

I feel that if a relationship will be successful, both parties should understand the way the opposite sex behaves. It will be heart rendering, if a lady expects her fiancé to think, feel and act like her. Here are some of the things you need to know about the opposite sex- the male single…

Before marriage a man is an emotional giver- Married women find it strange that their hubbies, who were great givers before marriage, seem to be a miser after they tied the knot. Many married women become frustrated in their marriage because their hubbies giving attitude has changed after marriage; they always have one thousand and one things to do with the with the money they have at hand rather than give it to them to do what they felt is necessary at home or for themselves. I have counseled women whose hubby will not lift a hand in the upbringing of their children, yet they were wonderful men before they got married.

It is essential that single ladies understand the opposite sex before going into relationship with them. A man is an emotional giver before marriage, but a practical giver after afterwards. The fact that a man takes you out, buys things for you, do not mean he understands what love entails. That is the way he was designed.

Single women should therefore not give out their hearts to a man who is a great giver except she has checked out the following parameter- the way he relates with people around. Is he a great giver to others? If he is stingy to people around him, he will ultimately treat you the same way.

Men behave like hunters- Men are designed to hunt for the kind of women that appeals to them; if any lady appeals to his senses, he will seek for ways to woo her. If you want to scare away any man, you go chasing him. He will run for his dare life.

One of the attributes of a hunter is, he only appreciates his kill for a time. He always, goes hunting for a more daring kill after the last one. Here is were I need to give a strict warning to single ladies, never allow any man go in between your legs until after he has said ‘I do.’ A man will profess his undying love to a lady; like the emotional movies, he will kneel to say how much she meant to him. He will cherish her as long as he has not killed his prey (had sex with her); then he will demand for the means the lady should show her love for him- that in most cases is for her to have sex with him. He will beg, coax, and even try to manipulate her to getting what he wants. If a lady ever falls for this, she had lost over 51% chance that he will get married to her.

I often ask single ladies, why should a man get married to you when he is getting all that married men get from their wives. Men will often get married to women who have proven themselves impossible to get in the area of sexual intercourse.

The songs of single men is, ‘I will do anything for you’- After relating with married women for some time, I have come to a conclusion that one of the challenges that they have with their hubbies is the unkept promises they (their hubby) made to them especially before marriage. I know a woman who still hurts because her hubby made a promise of enhancing her academically after marriage, which he did not keep.

Single men make lots of promises before marriage; I feel that men are good at doing that. Women should therefore not fall for the sweet promise of heaven on earth marriage that a man will paint to them; they should observe the consistent pattern of behavior of the man. The reason is because, the song of men after marriage is, ‘I will not do anything for you.’

If you are involved in any relationship, never take it to the next level based on promises that he made. Marriage do not change people, it amplifies who they are. Never get involve in a relationship with the expectation that you will change your man. Before marriage he may reform, after marriage, he will return to who he really is.

Men are primarily logical- By design; a man should analyze his actions before he takes step in the direction. He is not meant to be spontaneous in his actions, every of his move is meant to be calculated. If you ever meet a man who acts out primarily out of emotion, he will not make a good partner. Men, who are excessively jealous, loving and explosive in their reaction to negative situations, show a person who is not in control. It shows that something has gone wrong somewhere in his upbringing.

I counseled a male single once; his complain was that the ladies he had loved in the past left him for other men despite the affections he showered on them. I responded by saying that, he deserve what he got. I told him, he was designed to act as a man instead of been sissy. No woman should stay with a man like that.

So you need to know how a man thinks; men do not go for women who they feel are smarter than them. They want to retain the logic power (decision making power) in the home; if a wise woman wants to relate with her man, she will get through to him by making him feel that the wonderful thoughts/idea came from him. Once a man feels like king (the one in control), he will do almost anything for his woman. That includes taking the relationship to the next level- marriage.

Men are competitive by nature- A lady once said to me, ‘Every man wants to marry a virgin, but wants to live with a prostitute.’ Women should understand the psychic of the male man; he loves the feeling of been the number one in everything. Men are built to be competitive and they adore been adored.

Single women should have observed by now that it is only men that ask ‘Are you a virgin?’ I believe the reason is because of his competitive nature of wanting to be the ‘man’ in anything he is involved in. When you understand the man from this angle, care is therefore need on how you deal with him. I counseled a lady who is single; the guy she had been dating decided that it was time to move on. She was deeply hurt that the relationship came to an end and as at when we spoke; she just put it behind her. From our discussion, I discover that her friends are majorly male. So, I told her that I do not blame the guy for leaving; when a man feels threaten, he either fights or just back out. My advice to her is that she should get married to her best friend, who happens to be a male.

If the man you are interested in ask questions relating to your past in relation to the opposite sex, answer the question discreetly. I do not encourage lying, I however, do not encourage stupidity. If you have had sexual experiences in the past, please do not make the mistake of been detailed about it to the man you in relationship with now. If you make the mistake, he may soon be gone.

He is created to rule- The man is created to give leadership to his home; he is meant to rule and take his family in the direction of his purpose. A man was given the job to rule; one way he was design to rule is to make the discovery for the reason he was born and make the choice of partner from that decision.

Women should be careful of defining success from the path of material well being. Most men’s lives will come to an end if they loose their paid job; women should not make the mistake of falling head over for man who is successful because of the job he is doing. Success should be defined from the path of purpose than profession. Isaac Digi said, ‘If you are a young lady, for instance, and you are asking me how to know a man I want to marry, I will say, look, ask the man, what is your vision in life? This is because where ever you are going or whatever your vision is is where you are taking me. I may not want to go there.’ I believe that single women should obey the wisdom of Isaac Digi.

One of the challenges that women have after marriage is that the man who will do practically what they bid him to when they were single, suddenly becomes commander in chief after they tied the knot. She suddenly discovers that he wants to take charge of her life; he gives commands that he wants obeyed without question.

If a lady undermines the authority of the man she is dating, he will likely leave her for another woman who is wise enough to say ‘yes sir.’ On the issue of purpose, I wrote in my book, singles, your spouse is not in church the following, ‘Find out if the man/woman you are interested in is a purpose driven person. Where a conflict exists with yours, my advice is that you should think twice about the relationship that you are in/about to enter into. You will never be fulfilled in your marriage if the two of you are heading in the opposite direction.’

Men are potential heartbreakers- Until the guy that is interested in you says, ‘I do,’ he can leave you. Every single lady should guard their hearts in any relationship they are in; they are permitted to love, but should be careful.

I have come to discover that after the end of a relationship, women tend to hurt more than their male counterpart. It can take months and even years before they get over heartbreaks; I know a lady that it took over 10 years to get over the pain of heartbreak. Women are known to attempt suicide when a relationship comes to an end.

Every woman should learn to have a life they enjoy than live around their man alone; keep your family, friends and close associate despite the level of closeness that you have with your man. Let your world rotate around your passion more than a man; develop yourself and enjoy your own company.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906405

Understanding the opposite sex- the female single

Sammy just did not understand why some women are gullible; he has watched Dan who is popularly known as the DON because of the way he had his way with women, had his way with women he expects to be smart. He had heard of his (Dan) exploit long before he even got to know him personally; when he relates with Dan, he talks so proudly about his exploit with the opposite sex and how it is impossible for any lady he is interested in to say no to his advances. This is the way he said he goes about it…

Dan said, he knows that most women love externality than the real thing. According to him, women do not love to be told the truth, so the best way to catch them is to show them the shadow of the real thing and they will come licking your shoe. To catch his prey, all he needs do is go and get his friend (Alex) clothes. He (Alex) has lots of designer clothes because he travels a lot abroad; whenever he is not in town, Sammy will have access to his car and cruise it around town.

He will then go for the lady he wants; first he will try to give her a lift, then he will do all he can to be Mr. Perfect Gentleman until he had gotten her and ‘bed’ her. Then he would move on to another lady. According to him, he has mastered this act over the years that he has become good at it. He has proves of his exploits; he always kept a souvenir- their parties.

What hurt Sammy however, is that Janet the lady he had confessed his undying love for is his present catch. Sammy had expressed his feelings for her and how he has a promising future though the present situation he is in may not seem smooth. She just smiled and never gave him a response to his offer, it was weeks later that he heard that the DON has won her heart.

This is the story that some men have; they never stop wondering why the women they love never seem to show interest for them beyond that of the platonic feeling. These men never stop wondering why women love the bad guys.

If you do not understand the opposite sex, they will never stop to be a mystery to you. Knowing why they do things the way they do, is vital to wining their heats. I have listed below some of the things you need to understand about the opposite sex- the female single…

She is designed to be emotional- Unlike her male counterpart; the female is designed to be primarily emotional. She easily gets attracted to the opposite sex that has touched her in the area of her emotion, than any man that competes against her. I have said this over again in singles conferences that I have been privileged to speak in, if you can get the attention of a woman’s ears, you can win her heart.

If a woman loves a man, she loves him passionately. She will do practically anything to get and keep the man who appeals to her emotion. One of the reason that a woman will give her body to a man is because the man had won her heart; her virginity is a price possession that she will give to a guy that makes her feel special. This is one of the reasons that it is difficult for a woman to forget her first love.

Due to the emotional state of the woman, she can easily live with hatred and unforgiveness for years if the man she gave her heart to breaks it. Women can be vengeful; hurt one real bad and pray for your dear life.

Some women have attempted suicide (commit one to), because the man they gave their heart to, broke it. In my book why ‘good’ women marry ‘bad’ men, I wrote what someone discovered in one of the psychiatric hospital in Nigeria; he discovered that 70% of their female inmate are married women. Their hubby hurt them so bad that they just did not let it go until they went crazy.

Single men, should not make the conclusion that a woman is in love with them because of how she expressed herself emotional. Men should understand that love is more than emotion; love is more of a character thing. Note the way she treats the people around; it will ultimately determine how she will relate with you in the future.

Most single women are skilled prey- Men feel that the women they are dating was primary their decision; they believe that they are the don who got what they want. The one who won the battle against other suitors that were interested in their lady. That my friend (to the men) is a joke.

The reality is that women like most smart preys, stoke their hunters until if care is not taken on their part (the hunter), gain the upper hand against them. Lions are known to kill men who hurt them; they are not just savage beast, they are quite intelligent too.

If men only knew that the women they feel they conquered by making their own, are actually the ones that conquered them. If the lady that you are dating does not choose you amongst the other suitors, you would have been amongst the ones that lost out. I feel that women have what I call a magnetic web- aura, which draws men they are attracted to in; if she does not have feelings for a guy, the aura around her will be pungent. She is like honey that attracts the ant she wants.

I guess some men have stories of how they chased a lady they love for years, but she never seems to show any interested. Then they eventually give up; the day they meet the guy she gave her consent to, they never to stop wondering if she has gone mad.

Women are possessive by nature- Women love to own forever, anyone or thing that ignites their emotion. They have natural tendency to be possessive; that nature can make them very deceptive. Observe your girl friend and your mum or sister; they likely will be best of friends now, but after marriage, it will be another story. The reason is because of the possessive nature of women.

Some men feel that they can just walk into a woman’s life; sleep with her and assume that that is all between them. The day a man sleeps with a lady, he should know that he is actually having sex with a lady who wants to tie him down. Sexual intercourse is more than fun to women; it is actually the giving out of her body and soul. Once she gives that out, she expects to keep whoever she gave it to.

I feel that men should play safe by not getting into anything intimate with the lady they do not have the picture to get married to in the future.

They love men who are in charge- I guess most of the singles that will read this write ups will have either watched or read at least one love story. You will have noted that in those films or novel, the prince is always depicted as a strong figure and not a weakling. He is not depicted as man who cannot eat or sleep because of a lady; he seems to play them around. Then he meets a lady that catches his attention, and he over time professes his undying love for her.

Every man should know that if they have watched or read at least a love story presently, an average single lady has read or watched at least 5. So she carries a picture of a man who will be in charge; not a Lilly livered guy that do not even know how to ask a lady out. Neither does she have a picture of a man that she can boss around all through her life time if she makes a mistake of getting married to him; she wants a man.

In the war of who will keep a lady amongst the suitors available; the one who will win her heart is not the one who can only write and speak Shakespeare. The one who will likely win will be the bold, daring and economically comfortable person amongst them.

Women are very imaginative- Do not dream of a simple marriage around a woman; you will be wasting your time. Women have a fairy tale picture of what their wedding day will be like; they have it so imbedded in their mind that the only thing that can make they alter it is if the circumstances is beyond their control (e.g. in the situation of pregnancy before they tie the knot).

Women have such creative minds; I can remember about six years ago when I was going to get married to my wife. There was nothing I said that made her change her mind on the kind of wedding she had dreamt of; she had such a lovely expensive wedding gown and lovely plans for the wedding day. Thank God for mercy that part of her plans was altered; today, she cannot even put the wedding gown on again (you are free to guess what her size will be now after 2 children). She was happy about the wedding she got, but you can guess the expenses it incurred.

If you are making your marriage arrangement, put it at the back of your mind that it is natural for your lady to have the kind of fantastic imaginations she has. The role of the man is not to emotionally react to the bills that he has to pay, rather he should logically find a way of cutting down the cost.

They think more of the future- Single women often make decision of who they will go into intimate relationship based on how they perceive the future will be like with the person. I call this, security consciousness. I really do not accept the Nigerian adage, which makes women appear to only love men with money. I believe that women love a secure future; it is however, how they define security that differentiates them from one another. I believe that this came with the females make up; the first female was created in a secured environment (do bear with me, this is my religious view). Her hubby had a job, was in charge and a house of his own. If a man has all this, he will appear to be the DON amongst his pears who are not fortunate to be doing to well with the opposite sex. It is often the challenges that men have; many single men have got it in their psychic that no woman can truly love them in the state they are in. I believe that this is not true. You can indeed be loved at whatever level of financial stand that you may be now.

How women define security defers, but the smart ones define it from the perspective of a purpose driven life than from what a man has physically accumulated alone. It is not all women that will accept your present status (if you are not financially buoyant), but if you can communicate your passion and pursue it, you will discover that you are as charming as those with only cash in their pockets.

Women are potential heartbreakers- Due to the consciousness of the future, it is possible for a single lady to leave the love of her life to get married to someone she feels that her future will be secured with.

Another reason why women are potential heartbreakers is because of their emotional state; emotion is never stable. Except a lady has built a life of character, emotional swings may make her go for someone who makes her heart skip beats despite the fact that she may be in a stable relationship.

Every male singles should therefore learn to let their primary essence- logic, prevail against their emotion in their choice of a partner. Care must be taken not to choose a partner that makes you feel young alone, but someone who will be able stay with you till death do you both part irrespective of the uncertainties of the future.

Do you have a question on any relationship issue? Send a text and get a response; your confidentiality will be kept.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906495 (no flashing please)
www.relationship-singles.blogspot.com

10 ways to keep the love of your life

Shola just couldn’t understand why she so unlucky when it comes to the matter of the heart; she had dated over five men before her present boyfriend, and had loved them with all of her heart. She gave whatever they ask of her which includes her time, money and body; yet this just do not seems enough for them. They eventually leave in the end. She is afraid of loosing Tayo who she is presently dating.

Over the years of counseling singles, I observe that a common fear with a good percentage of them is the fear of going through heartbreak. Some of them had gone through gruesome experience in the past in relationships that they were in; the experience stil lingers on even when they commit themselves to another. What I have come to observe is that fear causes a vicious cycle of event when it is misdirected. Fear that is constructive would guide from making the mistake of the past by been knowledgeable; destructive kind of fear judge people as the same from the experience they had gone through with out giving the new lover the opportunity to prove him to be different.

I will like to share with you ten ways to keep the love of your life; if you are new or old in the business of relationship, it will help you have a stable one that can lead to successful marriage…

Thou shall not love a man with all your heart- This is the first law most singles break that often leave them with heartbreak; the reason is because every man (both the male and female) is a potential heartbreaker.

The word heart here means to commit the core of ones being to someone else. It is like putting your money in an investment that you do not know anything about; it is likely that you will loose all of your hard earned cash. A lot of singles have not taken the time to understand the opposite sex, or should I say people generally. If you take time to do this, it will keep you on the defensive due to the human nature of inconsistency. His actions are greatly determined by events; so if he loves you today, it may just be that the events are around him are okay.

The only person that you should commit your heart to is God (do bear with me, that is my religious belief); He is the One that your heart is secured with even after marriage. In my book (Why ‘good’ women marry ‘bad’ men), I wrote the following, ‘Someone said, ‘70% of the female inmate in one of the psychiatric hospital in Nigerian got there because of a wrong choice of relationship with the opposite sex.’ I have heard of stories of people who attempted suicide because the person they love with all of their heart decided that it was best they move on.

Thou shall love him like your neighbor- You may love someone and treat the person as special at the early stage of the relationship, but ultimately you will treat him the way you treat everyone else in the end.

I believe that we are designed to live in a consistent manner; a selfish person will not become a selfless one in a relationship for too long. We ultimately treat our love ones the way we treat those that we have nothing to gain a thing from. How will you know if the person you are in relationship with really loves you? Just check out the way he treats people around him.

Thou shall treat him like a bird in an open cage- Excessiveness in anything is not healthy; excessive loving, caring, protecting, jealousy, etc are signs of someone that does not feel secured in the relationship.

Always let your partner have a breathing space; do not monitor or hunt him around town. Never make your partner feel he is been caged, he will look for ways of escape. In my book (Don’t fall in love), I wrote on the need not to be crazily in love with anyone. I wrote the following statement, ‘No one wants to marry a crazy person, which explains the reason why many of the relationships that one partner is crazy about the other does not lead to marriage or a successful one.’ Let him feel free to fly; if he is yours he will always come back to you. If you cage him; he will feel the need to explore other avenues and will eventually not return once he has the opportunity to leave.

Thou shall not let him eat the honey until the d-day- Every single should have the understanding that the way to the heart of your partner is not through their sexual organ. Most men have the feeling that once they are sexually involve with their partner, it guarantees that the lady loves them.

After counseling singles for sometime now, I have come to discover that it is the women that play impossible to get in the area of sex that often keep their relationship to the point of marriage and till death do them part afterwards. Singles that are heartbroken the most when the relationship they are in come to an end are those that had invested time and their body to pleasing their partner. I usually like saying this to singles, what is inside your panties is called private part, if you make it a public part, the public will abuse it and abuse you. The public includes the love of your life, until the day you both say ‘I do.’

Thou shall not hide what cannot be hidden- I am of the opinion that if a relationship will succeed, both parties must come out with any skeleton in their cupboard. There is nothing that can really be hidden that will not eventually come to the open; it’s important then that you come out clean with any information that can make you become the victim of blackmail.

One reason I encourage people to come out clean with any information that their partner should not be kept at the dark of, is because people who repeat a story always say it the way they understand it. Often when this is done, it distort the real story its self. It is better you inform your partner about the events of the past, than wait for him to hear it from somewhere else. If you allow this happen, it will be difficult for you to build the wall of trust he has for you again.

Thou shall be discreet with information- Only wise people, keep what they have. I feel that when it comes to disseminating information, one should be very discreet. A good example is when a guy asks a lady how many men have been sexually involved with her (funny, it is men that ask this question); to give him an answer that 20 men have done that could scare him away. Someone made this profound statement, ‘Every man wants to marry a virgin, but want to live with a prostitute.’ Be discreet with answering any question involving your past without lying.

I feel that men too should learn to be careful how they pass information to the love of their life because of the emotional state of the opposite sex. For instance, if your mum do not approve of your lover, it is not your duty to go and blab this to her. If you do, you are going to have a lady who will never like your mum. That will go a long way of causing frictions between you both later in life.

Even in expressing your opinion there is a need for you to be discreet with what you say, how you say it and when you say it.

Thou shall study your parents’ relationship- I do not believe that experience is the best teacher; I love it when Reverend Sam Adeyemi in a message said, ‘Another person’s experience is the best teacher.’ Everyone one who want to have a successful relationship should understudy their parents; ruminate on how they related with one another and use it as a guide in relating with their partner.

As a single lady, if your mum is fond of nagging your dad, make sure you avoid this in your relationship. If your dad do not like been nagged, the love of your life will hate it too. As a single man observe your dad, if he is the lackadaisical, then avoid that in your relationship because if your mum nags about this attitude, the love of your life will not act differently.

Your parents are a parameter to use when it comes to relating with the opposite sex.

Thou shall not pour new wine in an old wine skin- I feel that one of the challenges of keeping the love of ones life is comparing the present relationship with those of the past that the individual had been hurt in. It is bringing in a new life into an old baggage, it will never work.

The person that you are dating presently should be seen as a new individual, and should be separated from the past; the essence of the past is to learn from its mistake and not to live in them. To keep referring to the present relationship from the dimension of the pain of past relationship is to kill it progressively right from its onset.

I feel that singles should get rid of the mindset that brands everyone in the opposite sex as the same; all men are the same, is a bogus statement. To conclude that women are heartbreakers because of hi an experience is making a bloated statement,

Thou shall learn to play friendly games- If you will ever keep the love of your life, you must learn to live with people who are dear to him in peace. People like his family and friends, should be accorded with due respect.

The idea that relationship is meant for two individuals only is good for the western world; I feel differently about this. I feel that if a relationship will succeed, it is required that both parties involve in it should learn how to live in peace with everyone involved with the lives of their partner before the onset of the relationship.

To get into a relationship with a competitive heart against those that are dear to him is to have him divided against you and his family. In the beginning, he may choose you, but ultimately in the end he will still go back to those that he had been relating with before you came into the scene. I believe women especially should get rid of the mindset that in-laws are bad; I feel this mindset is the beginning of the end of any relationship.

A friendly game is not a do or die affair, because there is nothing to win. It is aimed at preparing both teams for games ahead and not to eliminate the other as in a tournament.

Thou shall learn to pray- A Nigeria adage says, ‘What is good requires that you pray.’ I believe that you should learn to commit the relationship into the hands of God, just as another adage says, ‘It is what is kept in the hand of God that is safe.’

Some of the relationship that ended in heartbreaks had things going smoothly for them in the beginning; they were like a perfect match for each other until the relationship came tumbling down the hill top it has attained over time like Jack and Gill who went to fetch a pail of water.

I feel that anything that will succeed needs God’s active participation; to take God out of it is to see whatever relationship you are in, go into the state of oblivion in the future (do bear with me, that is my religious view).

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906495 (no flashing please)
www.relationship-singles.blogspot.com

10 laws of choosing the right partner

John met joy in a party of one of his friends; right from that day, they seem glued to one another. He loved her passionately and in three months into the relationship, he proposed that they get married the following month.

Joy however, saw a reason why they should not be married; she discovered that John genotype was AS and she was AS too. She kept quite about this discover because she, loved him passionately. She also knew that John was not of the same faith that she uphold, but since he was liberal when it comes to religious issues, she believed that all will be well.

The marriage took place with lots of fun; it was a quite one, but well attended by family members and friends. Challenges began between them after the birth of their first child; he was medically diagnosed to have sickle cell anemia. He (their son Jack) would experience crisis in his health which gulped their income; all the attempts of Joy to persuade her husband to take him to her religious place of worship for prayers fell in deaf ears.

Their second child’s genotype was again diagnosed to be SS; this almost destroyed the thread like nature of their relationship that was left. Today, John is considering getting married to another wife, while Joy live in the misery of having to leave her job to take care if her children.

When I wrote my recent books (Don’t fall in love and Why ‘good’ women marry ‘bad’) I had in mind to help singles make the choice of a partner practically and not emotionally. I believe that if a relationship will succeed, it must be founded on established rules. I will like to share with you some of the rules I have observe over the years that singles should obey…

Thou shall choose a partner from the faith you belong- I have heard singles make funny statement involving religion, how insignificant it is when it comes to two love birds. Most single women believe that they do not have a religion of their own, but will integrate the religion of their future husband as their own. I believe that this is bogus; religion actually plays a vital role in the success of a relationship that will lead to marriage.

I heard a Muslim scholar make a profound statement once that every single should obey; he said that Muslims should get married to Muslims, Christians to Christians. I will add that Atheists should get involve with people who uphold their belief. Marriage should never be seen as a medium of converting people to your faith.

Thou shall choose a partner who is matured- Maturity will play a vital role in the success of any relationship; a single who is less than 22 years should stay away from intimacy in relationship with the opposite sex. Lots of the heart breaks singles (women especially) go through is between their teenage years and their early twenties.

Time prepares you for the future; if you will not keep going through pain in a relationship, do not rush into one. Spend time to go through the growth process, and ensure the other party is matured too. It is vital that you both are matured, psychologically, emotionally, and to a measure financially.

Thou shall choose a friend and not someone you are emotionally attached to as partner- One English proverb that I have observed to be true over the years with singles is, ‘Familiarity breeds contempt.’ Singles are on the look out for a partner that is far away, who can trigger powerful emotional feelings in them. Some single men even believe that the beautiful ones are not yet born; they look afar for the love of their life while ignoring the ladies they have known for a period of time because they seems to believe that they knew everything about them- most of what they know is bad.

I have come to a conclusion that the best suitor for a single is the one you have known over the years; someone that you have both over time, develop platonic relationship. That person is far better than the one that makes your heart skip beats.

Thou shall choose a partner based on purpose- It is so easy to be emotionally attached to the opposite sex, and the only thing you have in common is that feeling. Yet one area in determining the future of any relationship is the path that you both are walking in. If you have not yet discovered what you have been created for, do not get involved in any intimate relationship with the opposite sex. If you are already in a relationship, chances that you are in a wrong one is over 90%. Isaac Digi said, ‘If you are a young lady, for instance, and you are asking me how to know a man I want to marry, I will say, look, ask the man, what is your vision in life? This is because where ever you are going or whatever your vision is is where you are taking me. I may not want to go there.’

Thou shall choose a partner based on character rather than the emotion call love- In my book, don’t fall in love (The secret that couples with successful marriages knew before they got married.), I wrote the following, ‘Permit me to say that, people who fall get up with pains in their body to the degree of the impact of the fall they had. So also people who fall in love get up with a broken heart, unforgiveness, sometimes with psychosis, and suicide tendency. When your love makes your heart to skip a beat in the presence of your partner, then you need to sit down and let your mind ruminate on the relationship you are in objectively before you take it to the next level. Medically it’s not healthy for a person’s heart to skip beating.’

Love is more of a character thing than an emotional one; feeling is not stable, so care must be taken not to make a choice of partner based on it. I define character as a consistent pattern of behavior. Every single should observe the consistent pattern of behavior of an individual they may be interested in before taking the relationship to the next level. One way to know a person who truly expresses the right kind of love, is the one who love not just a particular individual but express love to anyone he comes in contact with. The way you treat people is the way you will eventually treat the person you get involve intimately relationship.

Thou shall not choose a partner that is too emotional- I have come to discover that people who are too emotional do not make good partners especially for marriage. To judge a person as good for relationship because of the emotional out boasts he/she display is not really a wise move. There should always be balance in all that a person does; excessiveness reveals that something had gone wrong somewhere with that individual.

Always look for balance: for instance, a man is created to act primarily out of logic rather than emotion. So if you see a male single who whines, cries and can be easily controlled, stay away from anything beyond platonic relationship with that individual.

Thou shall choose your partner based on what your heart tells you than peoples opinion- Man was created with an inner bell that goes off when he wants to make decisions that are wrong; if you observe yourself over the years, you will discover that before you made most of the mistakes in the past, you felt an unconcomfortableness in your heart that you could not explain. You actually got affirmation from others to take those actions, yet they boomeranged on you. In choosing a partner, examine the state of your heart on the issue of relationship with the person before you go into it. People may encourage you to just go ahead; situations may say that he is the perfect guy. However, if your heart says no, move on.

I must point this out though; you must make sure that you separate emotion from logic before you can do this. I met a lady once who listened to her heart despite the fact that every other indices pointed to a guy as the right partner for her. She felt uncomfortableness about going into relationship with the guy and she seemly listen to her heart. That uncomfortableness got thinking her thinking, and she logically concluded that what she felt for the young man was mainly emotional feeling.

Thou shall take care of your mindset before you choose a partner- In my book, ‘Why ‘good’ marry ‘bad’ men’, I wrote the following, ‘The mind of a woman is one of the powerful tools that she was given; if anything goes wrong with it, the life of that woman will gravitate towards a direction that will lead to her destruction. Like water poured into a container that turns into solid ice taking its shape when placed in a freezer, so also the mind of a woman can be set to think in a particular pattern when it is consistently bombarded with certain information.’

I believe the same goes to the male singles too; I have come to a conclusion that the destination a man will end in is a product of his mindset and not his desire alone. The mindset you have if it is wrong will affect the choice of the partner make; if this is faulty then your choice will be wrong. Never let informations from films, novels and songs form the basis of your opinion of the opposite sex. What I also wrote in the book is the following, ‘The truth is that most of these films and songs only carry false impression of a relationship, especially that of marriage. Do a research into the lives of those that have sang love songs, written or acted love films, you will find that very few of them have successful marriages.’

Thou shall choose a partner that you appreciate- Is beauty really in the eye of the beholder? Over the years I am beginning to question that statement because I have counseled singles who love the person who they are in relationship, but they are not willing to take it to the next level because their friends do not give their approve. Beauty actually is tied to appreciation than outward appearance. I have seen men get married to ladies that you will call ugly, yet they damned the opinion of people in other to have a fulfilling future.

If you are giving a piece of diamond and an imitation and you do not know how to tell the difference, you will likely pick the fake. The original diamond always comes with a flaw; it is never perfect like the imitation. If you ever want to make the right choice of a partner, you must learn to appreciate people beyond the looks they carry. You must learn to view beauty from the heart a person carries than the looks they have alone.

Thou shall not be sentimental in your decision- I love saying to singles that when it comes to making the decision on who to get into relationship with, they should be very selfish because when a relationship is taken to the stage of marriage, selflessness is required to make it succeed.

Sentiment is really one key reason some singles go into relationship, and it is really not a good parameter in determining its success. I once responded to a question in a social network that I am a member on the internet; a lady asked if it is right to get into relationship out of pity? My response was, date him out of pity; marry him out of pity and live in pity all through your life. I know this may sound heartless of me, but the reality is that, for you to enjoy the relationship that you will be involve requires that the decision be made with one objective- your happiness.

Do let me have your comment on this write up and you are free to ask questions relating to your relationship issues.

Olufemi Fasanya
08037257479, 08083906495